


How to Not Watch Game of Thrones

by rockethousebirdship



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Frottage, Game of Thrones References, Game of Thrones Season FOUR spoilers, Hand Jobs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-06 22:28:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4238928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rockethousebirdship/pseuds/rockethousebirdship
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo befriends one of Frodo's classmates' guardians and invites them all over for dinner.  After putting the boys to bed, Thorin and Bilbo planned to watch the newest episode of "Game of Thrones" only for things to go terribly "wrong."</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Not Watch Game of Thrones

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SpeakFriendandEnter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpeakFriendandEnter/gifts).



Thorin had been waiting outside of Laketown Primary the same time every day for exactly forty-three days now to pick up his nephews Fili and Kili from school.  Within those forty-three days he had memorized the boys’ classmates and their parents—their names, their appearances, who would show up late to pick up their panicked child, who would be there before he arrived, and which parents appeared to be friends with one another.

One of the boys’ friends, Frodo, ran to the same man every day, with whom he then left.  Thorin had gathered from Fili and Kili that Frodo’s guardian was much like himself—a single man who had been left in charge of his nephew due to unfortunate circumstances, but that was all he knew about Frodo’s uncle, other than the fact that he seemed to keep to himself just as much as Thorin did as they waited for the children to get out of school for the day.  Seeing as Fili, Kili, and Frodo were all friends, Thorin thought he should probably introduce himself, but he never did, that was, until day forty-four.

On day forty-four, he noticed that Bilbo must have finally worked up the courage to talk to another one of the parents. It was funny to him, how Bilbo beamed under the attention and actually looked like a completely different person when he smiled.  Funny, Thorin didn’t recall walking in their direction, but there he was, soon only six feet away and approaching.  _What the hell are you doing?_   Thorin thought to himself and he could only quickly gather what the pair was talking about in order to not make a buffoon of himself.

“I overheard you talking _Game of Thrones_ ,” Thorin said, slipping into the pause of conversation. He placed himself next to Bilbo and who he believed to be Bain’s father.  
  
“Oh yes!” Bilbo looked up at Thorin, smiling politely, yet looking a little confused for a moment, “Wait, who are you exactly?”  
  
“Thorin Oakenshield, it’s a pleasure to meet you both,” Thorin extended a hand to Bilbo and to Bain’s father, Bard, who greeted him kindly. Bilbo still looked confused as he introduced himself, and Thorin suddenly felt incredibly stupid, adding quickly, “I’m Fili and Kili’s uncle.”  _Of course a grown man standing outside a primary school for no reason would be strange_ , Thorin thought to himself, trying not to mentally dwell on this hiccup.  
  
“It’s very nice to meet their guardian finally, Bain only speaks kindly of Fili and Kili,” Bard spoke to fill in the silence and then deviated back to their previous conversation, “But yes, we were talking about last week’s episode—“

Thorin cut him off there, exclaiming, “No spoilers please!  I’m sorry, I truly love the show, but we don’t have HBO at my house.  I’m about an episode or two behind.”  
  
Bilbo seemed mildly annoyed at Thorin cutting off Bard, even if he was worried about spoilers, but this was the uncle of his nephew’s best friends, he ought to try and be polite, so he asked, “What did you see last?”  
  
“Ahh, that little prick Joffrey was finally killed. I have to admit I actually cheered,” Thorin smiled at Bilbo, then Bard, starting to relax around the two.  
  
“You’re two behind then.  Say, I have HBO at my house, why don’t you bring Fili and Kili over for a sleepover and we can watch it after they go to bed?  Frodo’s been pestering me about having the two over for weeks now anyways,” Bilbo seemed to relax now too, even giving Thorin one of his warm smiles that drew him to the conversation in the first place.  
  
Thorin paused, almost nervous to accept and he wasn’t sure why. Fili and Kili would have a wonderful time, and he shouldn’t be intimidated by Frodo’s rather short uncle, and yet, he couldn’t help but think back to Bilbo’s look of irritation only moments ago, despite having just seen him smile again.  If he wanted the boys to have any kind of social life, he should accept though, and so Thorin blurted out, “Yes, of course! The boys will be really excited, and I’m sure they’ll be talking about it all weekend.”  
  
“Great!  Why not bring them over for 5 on Sunday?  I’ll make dinner, we can get them to bed and catch _Game of Thrones_ for 9?  I’ll even take them to school Monday morning, give you a morning off.”  Thorin felt bad for doubting Bilbo’s sincerity, he hadn’t had a night to himself in years, or a morning to sleep in.  Suddenly, befriending Bard and Bilbo was the best decision he’d ever made.  
  
“That sounds wonderful, Sunday at 5 then.”

\---

By Sunday, Thorin had caught up with _Game of Thrones_ to catch the next episode at Bilbo’s place. He arrived a little after 5, with the boys in tow, and knocked at the door, quietly warning Fili and Kili they were to behave and mind their manners.

A minute had not even passed before the door opened. Little Frodo smiled up at Thorin to welcome him and the boys inside, “Mr. Oakenshield! Come in, please, uncle is setting the table.”  Thorin followed the small boy to the dining room where Bilbo was pouring drinks for everyone—juice for Frodo, Kili, and Fili, while Bilbo served Thorin and himself red wine.  
  
The dinner was already laid out; it was an impressive spread of finely roasted chicken breasts, butter parsley potatoes, fresh green beans, soft dinner rolls, and an untouched strawberry covered cheesecake to complete the meal.  
  
Thorin and Bilbo had to help the boys get their plates before fixing their own, but once everyone was seated to eat, the room was mostly quiet save for the sounds of a good meal being enjoyed by all and the soft classical music on public radio being played a room away.  Thorin glanced around the room as he ate, not quite sure what to say or if he should speak at all.  “You have a lovely home, Bilbo,” Thorin finally spoke, and he wasn’t paying complements to fill the silence.  
  
Bilbo’s home, a small ranch-style home in the suburbs, was a charming abode.  The lawn was meticulously manicured while the inside was clean and tidy.  Any décor seemed to be antique, and yet somehow timeless and not at all out of place.  Thorin wondered how Bilbo kept such a clean home with his nephew around—his own home needed a lot of TLC with Fili and Kili running around the place constantly waging Nerf wars or playing tag inside on a rainy day.

Bilbo could sense Thorin’s sincerity and looked up from his food to give him another one of his kind smiles, “Thank you, Thorin. It’s nothing special, really, but it’s home.” Thorin looked away as Bilbo smiled at him, embarrassed.  _Well, that was unusual_ , he thought.  It was strange for Thorin to be so embarrassed by anything, let alone a simple smile, but it was in his nature to push such feelings aside, which he quickly did.  
  
As Thorin looked away, Bilbo’s smile quickly faded and he couldn’t help but think, _Great, I pegged him as an anti-social man, but this is something different entirely. Ah well, I only have to endure his company tonight—no one forces you to keep friends_.  Yet, Bilbo found himself being a little disappointed at the idea of another failed friendship with one of Frodo’s friends’ guardians.

The rest of the dinner was as quiet as the beginning of it was, with complements on the food peppered here and there.

After dessert, Thorin and Bilbo retired to the backyard to watch the boys play tag until the sun began to set and it was their bedtime, which of course, included a story first.

\--  
  
Once the children were asleep, Bilbo put in some popcorn for _Game of Thrones_ and once it was ready, brought in the large bowl to where Thorin sat waiting.  Bilbo took a seat at the opposite end of the small sofa, setting the bowl on an old trunk, which doubled as a coffee table.  
  
As the episode began to play, both sat in silence; Bilbo appreciated the fact that Thorin seemed to not be a talker and instead simply enjoy the show in silence.  That was until Petyr Baelish came on the screen accompanied by Sansa Stark and Thorin quietly said, “I just know he’s going to help her.”  
  
There was no way for Thorin to know that Bilbo was so passionate about his own opinions, or that he was so passionate about _Game of Thrones_ in general.  There was no way for Thorin to know that Sansa Stark was one of Bilbo’s favorite characters, Petyr Baelish was one of his least, and that he had just said some of the most offensive words ever uttered in the household. “Take that back.”  
  
Thorin was a bit confused at first, “Did you seriously just tell me to take that back as if I’m some…child?  It’s just an opinion, Bilbo, about a fictional show.  I’m not taking it back.”  
  
Bilbo clenched his fists a little and suddenly, he wanted Thorin out of the house for his arrogance, and his simply _wrong_ opinion about Petyr Baelish.  “Then you can show yourself to the door.  I’ll still take the boys to school and you can pick them up tomorrow. At least they have manners.”  
  
“Manners?! They’re children, Bilbo, and besides, are you serious? It’s just a television show! Also, there’s nothing wrong with Baelish, he’s going to help Sansa, I’m sure of it.”

“And you must be completely daft to think that!”  
   
“You’re actually insulting my intelligence based on my opinion of a TV show?  Really?” Thorin looked at Bilbo incredulously. 

“You think Littlefinger is good! Of course I’m judging you!” Bilbo shot back and quickly added, “Besides, did you forget that he turned on Ned Stark?  Why would we trust him with his daughter?”  
  
By now, the two were so caught up in their argument that the show played on and they were none the wiser.  As each took turns responding to the other, the argument only grew more heated, erring on the side of being loud enough to wake the boys.

“You’re going to wake the boys, Bilbo, keep it down!”  
  
At this, Bilbo only grew angrier and he scooted closer to Thorin on the couch, glaring up into his eyes again, “Is this bloody better?! You think you were quiet? If anyone wakes the boys it’ll be your booming voice shouting your asinine opinions!”  
  
“Asinine opinions?!”  
  
“Do you need me to tell you what asinine means, Thorin?” Bilbo inhaled deeply to prevent himself from saying anything else that may offend the guardian of his nephew’s best friends.  
  
“I know what asinine means, Bilbo, do I really look that incredibly stupid?”  
  
“Perhaps not, but I’ve dealt with men like you before. Entitled in your opinions and the only thing backing them up is confidence and good looks, so excuse me if I assume you don’t have a standard vocabulary to go with your absolute shit opinions on Littlefinger,” Bilbo spoke quickly, obviously due to feeling a mixture of nervousness and being still angry about what he began to mentally file away as ‘Thorin’s Senseless Opinions on Things.’  
  
“It’s not a shit opinion, Bilbo, it’s simple—confidence and good looks? Are you seriously hitting on me right n—,” and with that Bilbo tried to shove his own opinions aside as he leaned in, closing the small space between them, only plant a rough kiss on Thorin’s lips.

He had been contemplating making a move shortly after they had begun fighting; there was something absolutely irresistible about Thorin when he was impassioned about something.  Of course he found Thorin very attractive the day they first met at the school, but in the heat of the argument, Bilbo had apparently been unable to help himself.  
  
Thorin must have felt the same sort of attraction to Bilbo as well, because he put up no resistance, instead tilting his head to better accommodate Bilbo.  Bilbo parted his lips, reaching up to hold Thorin’s face between his hands as Thorin allowed his tongue to quickly find its way into his mouth.  The kiss was quick and even a bit sloppy, but most of all very intense—both of the men were still on-edge from their heated argument and Bilbo could sense his entire body growing hot as he felt the prickle of Thorin’s beard rub against his own face.

The situation only heightened as Bilbo quietly moaned into the kiss, a moan that grew louder as Thorin gripped him tightly about the waist and hoisted him into his lap.  “Keep it down,” Thorin warned, breaking the kiss, “You don’t want to wake the children, do you?”  
  
“This is seriously happening…” Bilbo trailed off for a moment, looking away in disbelief at himself.  Just a moment ago he thought this man was a gigantic idiot, albeit a gorgeous gigantic idiot, but still a gigantic idiot, and now he was seated in his lap, kissing him, _turned-on_ by him.  
  
“Yes, Mr. Baggins, this is seriously happening,” Thorin repeated back to Bilbo, using his hand to tilt Bilbo’s head up so that he could stare into his eyes.  
  
“Then we best be quick—the episode ends in about twenty minutes and we don’t want to be spoiled.”  
  
“No, we don’t,” Thorin practically growled as he leaned forward to place a surprisingly tender kiss on Bilbo’s neck, causing him to shiver. Thorin seemed pleased by his reaction because he kissed the same spot again, but harder and he reached down to begin pulling off Bilbo’s shirt, only to be met with Bilbo grabbing his wrist to stop him.  
  
“I said this has to be quick, Thorin,” he scolded, once again making eye contact with the larger man.  Thorin was seriously underestimating Bilbo’s love for _Game of Thrones_ this evening.  
  
“Yes, of course,” Thorin replied, smirking as he reached down quickly then, using the heel of his hand to massage Bilbo’s cock through his trousers, which earned a sharp gasp from him.  Bilbo looked down automatically, only to see that Thorin was already noticeably hard. His mouth went a bit slack at the impressive size of Thorin’s cock—he could only imagine how big it would look out of his pants.  “Go on,” Thorin said and then teased, “Quick. Remember?”

Bilbo only nodded and reached down between them to undo the buckle on Thorin’s belt, unfastening the button on his jeans, before finally unzipping his pants the rest of the way.  Bilbo slid his hand between the jeans and the fabric of Thorin’s briefs to feel up his cock before carefully sliding the briefs down a little bit so that he could properly pull it out.  It was just as sizeable as he guessed and he couldn’t help but let out an audible gasp. 

Thorin only gave a small chuckle before raising an eyebrow, looking at the smaller man in front of him.  “You’re still not moving very fast,” he badgered again, which got a rise out of Bilbo finally.  Bilbo was quick in his movements, undoing his own pants to pull his cock out now—he couldn’t help but feel small next to Thorin’s thick, impressive length, despite being average for his size.

“Is this fast enough for you?” Bilbo quipped back at Thorin then, attempting to wrap his hand around both of their cocks, biting back a groan as they rubbed against one another.  
  
“Here, let me,” Thorin ignored Bilbo’s jest, instead brushing Bilbo’s hand away with his own larger hand.  He was able to grip both of their lengths quite nicely, and he tilted his head back to exhale deeply as he began to jerk them both off together.  
  
Bilbo had to raise his hand to his mouth, biting down on a knuckle in order to stifle a groan as Thorin kept a steady pace, trying to remain quiet himself.  They made eye contact again as Thorin tightened his grip on their cocks, making sure to occasionally give a good squeeze at the base when on the down-stroke.  
  
The entire situation was overwhelming to Bilbo, but only because it was the kind of thing fantasies were made of—he was never shy about sex, but he also never thought he’d be sitting in his living room being jerked off by one of Frodo’s friends’ guardians after they had just quarreled over _Game of Thrones_. He was brought back to reality when Thorin kissed him hard again, pausing his hand to rub his thumb against the head of Bilbo’s cock, eliciting a moan from him.  
  
When Thorin broke the kiss to restart his movements again, his hips began to thrust up against his own hand a little, creating even more friction for Bilbo.  That soon pushed Bilbo over the edge, causing him to come on Thorin’s hand and shirt, biting down on his lip to remain quiet.  
  
How he wished he could have moaned Thorin’s name loudly—perhaps another time instead, but he breathed a little heavy as he watched Thorin let go of his cock so he could smear Bilbo’s come onto his own still-hard length, using it as lube to stroke himself faster.  That was it, there would _definitely_ be a next time.  
  
It wasn’t long before Thorin was coming too, making an even greater mess of his own shirt and watching Bilbo as he struggled to keep quiet as well. Bilbo remained in Thorin’s lap as the two caught their breath, still staring into the other’s eyes.  
  
Finally Thorin broke the silence, “Did the episode end?” That earned him a shove in the chest from Bilbo who couldn’t help but smile.  There it was, the smile that Thorin decided he admired so much.  
  
“Almost, but I’ll rewind the DVR after I get you a different shirt,” Bilbo answered, because there was no way in hell he’d sit with Thorin while he wore a come-stained t-shirt.  
  
He only hoped that they would finally make it through this viewing of _Game of Thrones_ without incident.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for an art trade with a friend and posted so others may hopefully enjoy! I apologize for any language discrepancies and hope I did the characters a bit of justice.


End file.
